What now?

I know that an empty nest is a real thing,  even though children grow up and leave their homes it still The kids are grown and I feel like a worn out shoes. I am going exhausted,  hollow, misplaced and irrelevant. All I can say is "what was that?" Those selfless years of giving.  Then, I wanted it to mean everything and I am nlot sure if it meant anything.  I am not sure I meant anything and not sure how much I mean to my children now.  I sit too long looking out of the window as the cars pass down my street.  I talk to my animals knowing that I have lost it all the while imagining they are talking back to me as they sit beside me glaring at me for their next well planed meal.  Invisible in my extra lbs and rose cherub cheeks yet swallowed up in self pity,  I am still with a blank look on my face,  I would stare forever it seems, if not for brief fleeting thoughts of sanity.  Exhaustion comes to mind on some days, relief plays its somber music in my ear, hopefulness is here and there yet mixed with apathy and despair.  Long ago and not so far away I was juggling a full time job of "MOM".  I awoke early each day to make breakfast, put in laundry, make notes and to do lists, schedule doctors visits, attend school meetings, pay our bills, escort field trips, driver for karate and piano lessons,  I even managed to home school my child a few of those years. In addition to that putting out the fires of a teenager who suffered from social anxiety, sleep apnea and terrahits and who was always fueled on empty yet this made me feel needed.  He too moved on with his own family only to text occasionaly with his quick disparaging quips of his squewed world views and only when he needed  a ear to voice his fears. To all of you who dare to think what life might be without them, know its OK to be alone because alone is where we all ends up.  Is it a bad thing? I don't think so. I think overall I am pro solitude, just leave me alone and I will find my way and may look  back occasionally but I should have saved motherhood for another day.  My goal after the finish line is to run towards me still  Im  only a reflection in the mirror right now which tells  me that I am still hear. I put on my make up,  take a shower and dream  and so far that is all,  I  wait for myself to appear.  Tomorrow maybe I’ll return a phone call and the next day lunch with a friend. The world is mine to enjoy. Off to Starbucks, yeh?🙋🏻❤️

Agenda

Everyone has an agenda, ask yourself often what their agenda is and what your agenda is.